Working mom + older kids = rediscovered social life

Earlier this year, I dove back in to the Mommy Dating Pool via a playdate with my youngest daughter's best friend and her mom. It's been really good, but lately we've decided to see other people. A lot of other people. And all at the same time.

Our daughters have entered the age of birthday parties. And, ye Gods, it is busy.

Since all of the kids in her class have birthdays right around the same time, my girl has had one or two parties nearly every weekend since mid-September, and my 3-year-old son has had his fair share, too. Which means that I've been socializing with the same group of grownups on a regular basis for the first time in years. And, in spite of the present buying and the ubiquitous pizza, I've been enjoying it.

While our kids play and stuff themselves with cake, we parents have gotten a chance to advance past the potty-training and milestone-marking stories, sharing instead the ups and downs of working motherhood. (Though a few of party-circuit regulars are dads, it's mostly the moms who are ferrying the kids around on the weekends.) It's difficult to take time for ourselves, as many of my readers over at Work It, Mom! will attest, so why not take advantage of the time we spend together by default?

It was my turn to host about a month ago. Back in April, I was wondering how to handle the birthday party dilemma; I ended up inviting my daughter's entire class to her 5th birthday party. And I did it again just two weeks later, inviting my 3-year-old's entire class to a pre-trick-or-treating birthday party on Halloween.

It was chaotic, and I was stressed about cleaning the house, but oddly enough, that was the only thing I was stressed about. My children had fun, their friends had fun, and I finally felt able to reciprocate for all of the parties and play dates my kids have gone to lately. But it was also an opportunity to host my new friends and introduce them to the rest of my family.

And it was great. I finally feel like I have a social network again, and I like it.

Do parents of biracial kids face special challenges?

When social scientist Marion Kilson's children were born, in the 1960s, she assumed that they would identify as African American, like their father, not European American like herself. "I was still in graduate school," she remembers. "I wrote my term paper on slave revolts. I assumed my children would be identified as African American, and I wanted them to know that not all African Americans had been gospel about their slave status."

Her friend and fellow social scientist Florence Ladd, on the other hand, says that she didn't have expectations about her child's race in his early years; it was her stepson, who is white, who "made me think about his future and racial identification in infancy."

In their book, Is That Your Child? Mothers Talk About Rearing Biracial Children, Kilson and Ladd discuss the challenges facing parents in a multicultural world; the two hosted an open-to-the-public discussion about the race and identity this morning (Nov. 19) at The Advent School in Boston.

"It's not just about the issues, really, it's about the relationships," Nancy Harris Frohlich, head of The Advent School, says of the discussion. Founded in 1961 on a social justice platform, about a third of the students at the school are people of color. "All learning and dialouge is built upon understanding one another and relationships."

"We want to help people to feel comfortable with diversity," Kilson told me. She and Ladd see the event as "a way of heightening awareness for people who are not necessarily biracial or multiracial, but are interested in preparing their children to be engaged and live comfortably in a multicultural world."

Kilson, who is European American, and Ladd, who is African American, had known each other for 40 years but had never really talked about their experiences parenting biracial children before, Kilson says. They talked to about 25 Boston-area parents while working on Is That Your Child?, and they kicked off their research by interviewing each other.

Kilson and Ladd focused on mothers rather than fathers ("We just felt that was really that a man would do better than we could," Kilson says) and decided not to touch on racial issues faced by adoptive parents. The parents they spoke with were from different generations, but most were upper middle class and all were from the United States. "Growing up in this society, we have a different take on race," Kilson says.

"Americans have a hard time seeing relationships when their skin color is different," she continues, talking about the times when her daughter, whose husband is Scottish, has been asked if she's the nanny of her lighter-skinned child. (Though I've never thought of myself as belonging to one race or another, I can't even count the number of times people have asked, "So, what are you?" or asked if my kids all have the same father.)

Older generations tend to be more focused on the racial differences between a parent and a child, Kilson points out, even if they don't intend to be negative. She doesn't think it's possible to raise a truly color-blind child in American society -- I agree -- but younger people, who are more comfortable with race and diversity, navigate this multicultural world with ease. It's all they've ever known.

"I perceive that, for our children, they didn't have a public choice about racial identity, whereas for our children's generation, their children have a choice about affirming all of their identities," Kilson points out.

And the possibilities are endless. "When children see themselves in public figures as well as teachers -- that hope flows through them as well," Frohlich says. "We do expect children to value one another as individuals, regardless of ethnicity."

Do you think parents of biracial kids face special challenges in today's society? How would you handle it if someone questioned your relationship or asked if you're the nanny simply because your skin color is darker or lighter than your child's?

Study: Teens are stressed, but parents don't seem to notice

A new survey by the American Psychological Association says that teenagers are more stressed out than ever before. But their parents, for the most part, haven't noticed.

According to the survey, which was released Nov. 3, pressure at school and financial problems at home have had a greater impact on high school-age kids than parents believe.

Forty-four percent of teens said they under pressure to do well at school, but just 34 percent of parents think their kids feel that way, the survey showed. Thirty percent of teenagers surveyed said they were worried about their family's financial situation, while only 18 percent of parents thought that their kids were stressed about it.

Teens were also more likely than their parents to report that their stress levels had increased in the past year; 45 percent of teens age 13 to 17 said that they worried more this year, while only 28 percent of their parents said that they thought their teens were feeling more stress. Parents who were surveyed also tended to downplay the severity of their teenagers' stress, with less than 5 percent rating their child's stress as extreme, compared to 28 percent of teens who felt they were severely stressed.

And, as it does with adults, stress seems to be taking a physical toll on our teens. They report having headaches, difficulty sleeping, and changes in appetite -- which seems to come as a surprise to their parents. While 49 percent of teens said they find it hard to sleep because of stress, only 13 percent of parents observed it in their kids.

The APA’s executive director for professional practice, Katherine C. Nordal, PhD, says “It’s clear that parents do not fully appreciate the impact that stress is having on their kids" and that parents' reactions to their kids' stress levels are in line with earlier research about parental perceptions of teen behavior. "Parents often under report drug use, depression and sexual activity in their children. Now it appears the same may be true for stress.”

Over at Boston.com's Child Caring blog, I'm wondering how much of the disparity is because we, as parents, are so consumed by our own stress that we forget how it felt to be a teen. You couldn't pay me enough to go through adolescence again; as far as I'm concerned, those were not my salad days. Sure, the pressure to fit in at school may seem small now, but if you think about it, how much time and energy and money do we spend following trends and wooing friends as adults? To a teen, acing a test is as stressful as facing an in-depth performance evaluation at the office. And, as for the economy... of course they notice what we're up against. While we're stressing about how we'll manage with less money, or kids are worrying about the same thing.

Parents of older children, please weigh in: Are your teens and tweens stressed out? Do you think our stress is rubbing off on our kids?

How often do you work for free?

My husband regularly works long hours and even pulls all-nighters in order to clear his plate at the office. I do, too -- but not as often as I used to. A pay cut made me take a second look at how much my time was worth, and what I was willing to spend it on.

Sure, hard work always pays off, as the saying goes. It just seems like sometimes it pays a lot less than it used to. When the work piles up and I can't get it done during the work day, I find myself calculating the dwindling dollars and cents of my hourly wage and figuring out how much I'm willing to take home to do for free (or, really, at my family's expense).

To be honest, I was a little reluctant to write that last sentence there. It just smacks of having a bad attitude, doesn't it? I don't mean it that way -- I'm not trying to "stick it to the man" or anything. No... my point is that I've noticed that the more I'm willing to do for less, the more I'm expected to do for less. It's a vicious cycle, and my readers at The 36-Hour Day seem to agree.

My work-for-free dilemma also plays into a topic that Mir tackled at The Cornered Office a couple of years ago (on the post that first brought me to Work It, Mom!, as a matter of fact): "You deserve a decent wage for your work, and settling for less makes it harder for every working writer out there to get it."

So, is it ever OK to work for free? In spite of my griping, and in spite of Mir's great point, I have to say... yes. Sometimes, it is.

I recently took on a project that turned out to be a major time commitment -- much more of one than I thought it would be. It was voluntary, and I wasn't getting paid, and it got complicated, but you know what? It was worth it, because it allowed me to give back to a community that I've wished I could do more for over the years. So... working for free is fine when it's your way of donating something to a community or company you value.

Getting paid for your time and effort doesn’t always have to involve money. Flex time, comp time, or experience that bolsters a weak part of your resume are all forms of compensation worth considering. I also think the few minutes spent readying your workstation for the next employee, tying up the loose end of a project, filling in a colleague by memo, or even prepping yourself for the next day are all examples of extra, unpaid time well spent.

But what about when your unpaid work eats into the time you normally spend with your kids? Where do you draw the line?

I'm a journalist, and I know that writing and editing are strange beasts in the working world. And I’m on salary -- I think it would be different if I had to punch a time card every day. So I'm curious... in your profession, whatever it is, do you ever work for free? Why or why not?

On freelancing, branding, and the media

Dan Schawbel, the bestselling author of Me 2.0 and the publisher of Personal Branding Magazine, interviewed me today for his award-winning Personal Branding Blog. He asked some great questions about freelancing, branding, and how to pitch the media -- no wonder he was dubbed "the personal branding guru" by the New York Times! The interview is live now; please click here to read it!

10 ways to liven up your lunch box (or your kids'!)

Over at Work It, Mom! I've pulled together 10 easy and interesting ways to liven up your kids' lunchboxes (or yours). Check it out!

10 Easy Lunchbox Ideas

Should your boyfriend discipline your child?

Rachel Sarah at Single Mom Seeking brings up the issue, now that her boyfriend is becoming more of a fixture in her and her daughter's lives.

"I’m honest about this: Discipline has not been my strengths, and I work hard at setting boundaries," she confesses. But, "my daughter is feeling so comfortable with the boyfriend that she’s starting to push limits."

This is something I face constantly as a step parent. It happened a decade ago, when we were just starting to try to find our blended-family footing, and still happens now that our oldest girls are teenagers. Should your significant other, who is not your child's parent, be allowed or encouraged to discipline your child? What do you do when a child you love, a child you're raising -- but a child who isn't "yours" -- is pushing limits?

As I told my readers at Boston.com's Child Caring blog recently: I think the answer depends on how you define "discipline."

In my case, I was (and am) comfortable with sending the big kids to their rooms. I'll correct manners, enforce our household rules, separate squabbling siblings, set time outs, revoke privileges, confiscate toys. But spanking? Personally, I've never felt comfortable about spanking my step kids (or even yelling at them). I'm not shirking my parental duties, and I am certainly no surrendered wife, but if harsher punishment needs to be meted out when my step kids with us, it seems like that should be up to their dad because, well, he's their dad. I'll back him up, I'll support his decision, but the decision is still his, not mine.

I also think the answer may differ depending on whether the significant other is male or female. Step dads are often lauded as heros for "saving" the single mom in distress and "taking on" her kids; few people blink if a step dad has to lay down the law. Step moms, though? Our authority is always in question, if not by the kids, then by other adults. I think there are far fewer single dads out there wondering if their girlfriends should have a hand in disciplining the kids.

So what do you think, parents? Is it ever appropriate for your significant other to discipline your child? And how do you define "discipline"?

P.S. -- Sarah's followed up her original one with another great thought-provoker:

As LG spends more time with us, our love does grow. When the three of us are
together, I feel like we’re making space for all of us. As my love gets bigger, so does my daughter’s — and so does his. It is possible that this is just going to get bigger and bigger?

Click over there to read her whole post and comment. As for me, I have to say: Absolutely, yes, love grows!

Procrastinating my way to productivity

I noticed recently that when there's something on my to-do list that I really want to avoid, I start searching for something else -- anything else -- to do instead. Sometimes that means I end up baking banana bread at 2 in the morning. Sometimes I discover an awesome new blog. Sometimes I end up surfing my favorite time-wasters on the web. But most of the time, that search for a distraction brings me right back to my to-do list, and I end up knocking tons of little line items off and being productive in spite of myself.

Case in point: I needed to re-read a book that I'm reviewing, because I loved it but I read it so long ago that can't figure out how to describe it in 500 words without completely giving away the plot. So what I did I do instead? Wrote a month's worth of product reviews, cleaned out my work bag -- twice -- and sorted coupons. (Yes, Kathy Spencer inspired me, too!)

Another example: the post that appeared last week at The 36-Hour Day. I should have written it days earlier, but I've been soloparenting while my husband is away and after I got home from work I hung out with my kids and fed them dinner and put them to bed and stumbled downstairs and looked at my computer and thought, "Um. Anything I type is not going to be coherent. It might not even contain actual words. Don't I have a book to reread for that review?"

Which meant that, when the piece was actually due, I was running out of items with which to procrastinate. If you've been procrastinating for a while, eventually you come to the big thing on your to-do list, the one you were trying to avoid to begin with. And there's nothing left to do but tackle that item head-on.

That post was not that item. The thing I'm really trying to avoid is cleaning my house in advance of my youngest child's 3rd birthday party, which is taking place this weekend. Which means that I've suddenly discovered a few other things I can get done before I can't procrastinate about the cleaning any longer.

Mini and Maxi Kick Scooters: Fast and fun, no training wheels required

My youngest kids have a need for speed. Alas, they also have a need for training wheels. The Maxi Kick Scooter and it's smaller sibling, the Mini, were perfect bike substitute on a recent, rare, sunny New England day.

Unlike almost everything else my kids have, these scooters can be assembled quickly and easily; the drive shaft simply snaps into place, and you're good to go (you can take them apart just as quickly, with the push of a hidden button). Made by Mirco-Mobility, both scooters have a sturdy, skateboard-like deck and a wonderfully responsive steering system that allows kids to zoom happily and easily on three wheels. They can swerve gently simply by leaning on the handlebar -- I was really impressed by how easy it was for my 3- and 5-year-olds to maintain control while riding.

The Swiss-designed scooters come in two sizes, Mini (for 3- to 5-year-olds, $84.99, with traditional T-bar handles) and Maxi (6- to 10-year-olds, $149.99, with a cool, joystick-like handle) and in a range of bright colors. They're lightweight but sturdy, and were able to handle every type of surface my kids and their friends tried to ride (gravel, wet leaves, puddles, steep driveways, grass -- they left no terrain untested).

If you're looking to go green, they're an easy way to start. If you're tired of strapping several bicycles to the back of your car, these scooters make an excellent alternative. You can find them at Henry's Bear Park, Stellabella Toys, Magic Beans, and Learning Express stores in the Boston area (or click through to find a retailer near you). For the month of November, WriteEditRepeat readers can get 20 percent off a scooter when the order at KickboardUSA.com -- just use coupon code WriteEditRepeat at checkout!

Tricks for using up those Halloween treats

Now that Halloween is over, I want to get rid of the metric ton of candy that's still sitting in my house. I could bring it in to the office, but if I can't resist the siren's song of the fun-size Snickers bar in my pantry, how can I turn my back on it when it's sitting there, in plain sight, next to my desk? Besides, my coworkers already filled our corner of the office with tiny bars of every candy ever invented earlier in the week. To bring in more would be overkill.

But not if I've magically transformed them into something else first.

Here are five tricks for using up all of those Halloween treats:

1.) Hot fudge sauce. Measure out two cups of nut-free and krispie-free chocolates from the stash and put them in a microwave-safe glass container, preferably something with a handle and a pouring spout, like a large Pyrex measuring cup. Add about 1/2 cup of heavy cream. Microwave the cream and chocolate at 80-percent power in 20 second bursts, or until the chocolate melts. Remove it (carefully!), stir (carefully!) and then pour it (carefully!) over ice cream -- or, ideally, into several sanitized glass jelly jars, so you can give them away to someone else.

2.) Candy Pizza. Press your favorite cookie dough into a pie tin, then cover with a thick pool of melted chocolate candies. Top with whatever chocolate goodies you have left -- Raisinets, Reeces Pieces, M&Ms, shattered Heath Bars, crumbled Butterfingers -- drizzle with melted Milk Duds, dot with mini marshallows, and bake. Cut into wedges to serve.

3.) Surprise brownies. Chocolate and peanut butter are a perfect match; so is chocolate and mint. Whip up a batch of your favorite brownies, pour half the batter in the pan, and then scatter on a layer of whole peanut-butter cups or Peppermint Patties. Top with the remaining batter and bake.

4.) Fruity Popcorn Balls. OK, I haven't made these -- one of my kids is a fiend for all things fruity, so the Skittles and Starburst disappeared almost immediately. But if you have leftover chewy, fruit-flavored, taffy-like candies lying around, you can try this recipe from Cooks.com: In a saucepan, combine 1/4 cup of light corn syrup, 2 tablespoons water, and 8 ounces of candy fruit chews. Melt over low heat, stirring until smooth, then bring to a boil for five minutes. Cool slightly, pour over 8 cups of already-popped popcorn, spray your hands with non-stick spray, and shape the gooey mixture into balls. My teeth hurt just typing this.

5.) Hard candy "stained glass" cookies. Make (or buy) your favorite sugar cookie dough (or follow this recipe). Roll it out to 1/4-inch thick, and cut out shapes with floured cookie cutters. Trace a smaller version of each shape from each cookie, leaving a 3/4-inch border; cut out the smaller shape. Fill the hole with crushed hard candies -- using one color per cookie will result in a neater treat. The candy will melt as the cookie bakes (cool completely before handling)

If all else fails, you can always send the stuff elsewhere. Halloween Candy Buy Back will pay $1 a pound for your kids candy; they ship the sweets to soldiers overseas. Go to halloweencandybuyback.com and plug in your zip code to see if a dentist in your area is participating in the program. You can also ship it directly to OperationGratitude.com by mailing it, no later than Dec. 5, to Operation Gratitude/California Army National Guard, 17330 Victory Blvd., Van Nuys, CA 91406, Attn: Charlie Othold.

What are you doing with your leftover Halloween candy this year?